Davidjohnson100 is his user name. Dave is wearing a military uniform. It took me a second when his photo came up in my suggested matches to realize that this was a man who I am sure is the same man that I spoke to for a couple of months about a year and a half ago. On a different website. I have experienced a few lame attempt at scamming, but this is a different kind of scammer. We talked for a couple of months, as I said, and he had an entirely detailed story line about his life ready to go.
He was around my age, had custody of his daughter because her mother was an addict, he was in Afghanistan but hoped to be home for Christmas. We messaged most days and as it came closer to Christmas he suddenly blurted out that he couldn't handle the guilt of lying anymore. That he was in fact a young 27-year-old man living in Africa and extremely lonely. He used a friend's photos and had gone on the website just to talk to women that he knew he would never be able to meet; women of other cultures and women with different lives then he would meet in his small community. He asked if we could stay friends and I said unfortunately not. Not being a big fan of the two-month time suck. That said, I felt for him if he was truly lonely. I suggested that he find a website and just be honest about who he was, that there are more than enough people who are happy just to have a penpal of sorts and a texting relationship and he could make friends without putting on this extreme fabrication.
FlashForward and I saw him in my matches tonight. I'm positive that it is him and he states that he is around my age, divorced with a grown child, and in the military. I sent him a message that simply said – don't I know you from another website? I hope that I am wrong…
If I cared enough this would make me question whether his confession was even a true confession, and if it was, I guess he just didn't take my advice and he is trying it again? But it could even be a lie upon another lie and his story may be more complicated than that. Whatever it is, he will undoubtedly waste somebody else's time but I'm not sure if I should report him, because I can't prove that it's him. I doubt he will respond, he will probably just block me or disappear.
And, why do I keep trying? What is that expression about repeating your actions and expecting different results? Sigh.
I did have a nice coffee date this week. What happens from there, I'm not sure. Time will tell!
Ever the optimist....
Saturday, July 9, 2016
Friday, July 8, 2016
When the first date is the last date…
Hi friends,
I have begun to notice a pattern since going back online. I have had three dates in a row that were 1st/last dates. Is it because I am more particular now? Am I just more blunt about my feelings so as not to waste anyone's time?
Sometimes I think you know right away; perhaps over the first sip of coffee, that you are just not going to want to be with this man for the long term. They may know it too - or they may be completely oblivious and/or just not super invested but either way over the last couple of dates they have certainly not seemed crushed when I said that I did not want to see them again.
Other times, the first date goes rather nicely, completely causing me to be surprised by what transpires before the second date has a chance to take off. Here's an example:
I had a date with a guy who was very pleasant, nice looking, seemed happy to be with me, etc, and we even went to a party together on our first date which I think was rather brave of both of us!
Not only did he navigate my friend's party quite nicely, but we ended up having to deal with an unexpected family matter ( these things sometimes happen when you have a teenager, life can be messy and imperfect ) and he did not panic or bolt, he took it in stride and was actually quite supportive and pleasant about the whole thing.
We talked during the week a few times and had pleasant conversations via phone and via text. We planned to have a second date which would be the following Sunday afternoon. A drink or a late lunch, we had not decided details yet. So Sunday, sometime before noon I realized that we had not spoken since Friday evening and that I wasn't sure what time we were to meet. So I texted him (in my light and casual manner which completely does not come naturally to me but I try,) asking what time he would like to meet. I will paraphrase in case he ever reads this so that he will not be angry at me for mimicking him, but basically I received very flip response of something like "oh yeah, I can't make it, I ended up getting a job today and I'm on my way to Connecticut." He is A freelance record, I should point out. Actually I think that is rather word for word, but what are the chances that he will read my blog? From there it spiraled out of control, I certainly understand somebody getting work, but I asked him if he had just found out about it that day (hopefully,) and he responded "no I have known for a couple of days but I forgot to mention it to you." Again, this would've been acceptable had he said "hey, sorry can you take a rain check?" Instead he proceeded to basically chew me out for not understanding why he had to pay his bills, and that we couldn't have a conversation about it if I didn't understand. I was really shocked. Of course I understood, I said I was talking about basic common courtesy and I wished that it had crossed his mind to cancel me. Or at the very least, to apologize when I texted and reminded him that we had a date. He balked, and acted as though I were a complete lunatic for expecting such courtesy and it ended up in such an ugly text war that I have never spoken to him again. It's so maddening to me when a man doesn't understand what you're trying to relay via text. Perhaps texting is not the best way to have this conversation but I could not believe that he didn't understand that what I was upset about was not that he had acquired work, but that he did not feel that he owed me a quick 30 second apology - or at least to say "can we do it another time?" His reaction showed me that he is definitely not one to consider me a priority, which is not a good sign of things to come so I told him that he made me feel quite unimportant and it was nice knowing him.
It's difficult after you have a nice first date. But as a friend of mine said, colors are going to come out usually after the first date and his charm certainly vanished into a haze of being a man who has never had to answer to anybody but himself. I find a lot of that in the men my age online; unless they have had successful relationships or kids or some kind of responsibility even two good friends in their lives that require them to think about others. It's a pshame, but at least he was a nice escort to the party.
I have begun to notice a pattern since going back online. I have had three dates in a row that were 1st/last dates. Is it because I am more particular now? Am I just more blunt about my feelings so as not to waste anyone's time?
Sometimes I think you know right away; perhaps over the first sip of coffee, that you are just not going to want to be with this man for the long term. They may know it too - or they may be completely oblivious and/or just not super invested but either way over the last couple of dates they have certainly not seemed crushed when I said that I did not want to see them again.
Other times, the first date goes rather nicely, completely causing me to be surprised by what transpires before the second date has a chance to take off. Here's an example:
I had a date with a guy who was very pleasant, nice looking, seemed happy to be with me, etc, and we even went to a party together on our first date which I think was rather brave of both of us!
Not only did he navigate my friend's party quite nicely, but we ended up having to deal with an unexpected family matter ( these things sometimes happen when you have a teenager, life can be messy and imperfect ) and he did not panic or bolt, he took it in stride and was actually quite supportive and pleasant about the whole thing.
We talked during the week a few times and had pleasant conversations via phone and via text. We planned to have a second date which would be the following Sunday afternoon. A drink or a late lunch, we had not decided details yet. So Sunday, sometime before noon I realized that we had not spoken since Friday evening and that I wasn't sure what time we were to meet. So I texted him (in my light and casual manner which completely does not come naturally to me but I try,) asking what time he would like to meet. I will paraphrase in case he ever reads this so that he will not be angry at me for mimicking him, but basically I received very flip response of something like "oh yeah, I can't make it, I ended up getting a job today and I'm on my way to Connecticut." He is A freelance record, I should point out. Actually I think that is rather word for word, but what are the chances that he will read my blog? From there it spiraled out of control, I certainly understand somebody getting work, but I asked him if he had just found out about it that day (hopefully,) and he responded "no I have known for a couple of days but I forgot to mention it to you." Again, this would've been acceptable had he said "hey, sorry can you take a rain check?" Instead he proceeded to basically chew me out for not understanding why he had to pay his bills, and that we couldn't have a conversation about it if I didn't understand. I was really shocked. Of course I understood, I said I was talking about basic common courtesy and I wished that it had crossed his mind to cancel me. Or at the very least, to apologize when I texted and reminded him that we had a date. He balked, and acted as though I were a complete lunatic for expecting such courtesy and it ended up in such an ugly text war that I have never spoken to him again. It's so maddening to me when a man doesn't understand what you're trying to relay via text. Perhaps texting is not the best way to have this conversation but I could not believe that he didn't understand that what I was upset about was not that he had acquired work, but that he did not feel that he owed me a quick 30 second apology - or at least to say "can we do it another time?" His reaction showed me that he is definitely not one to consider me a priority, which is not a good sign of things to come so I told him that he made me feel quite unimportant and it was nice knowing him.
It's difficult after you have a nice first date. But as a friend of mine said, colors are going to come out usually after the first date and his charm certainly vanished into a haze of being a man who has never had to answer to anybody but himself. I find a lot of that in the men my age online; unless they have had successful relationships or kids or some kind of responsibility even two good friends in their lives that require them to think about others. It's a pshame, but at least he was a nice escort to the party.
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Hi friends! Now, it is all coming back to me. The things that I need to remember to like, be, and to do in order to please a man. Here are a few things that men do and do not like:
"My free time is mostly spent playing pool. Most of my friends play pool. Most of my weekends, I can be found playing pool. Pool is fun." ( this is where I stopped reading… )
"Signs that we may not be a match – you hate your parents, you don't love your parents, you pop antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds like M&M's." ( I did love my mother very much, I don't have much of a relationship with my father and I don't feel that a man should judge what medication I may or may not take. Do I take meds? I'm afraid to say it in public because apparently, this is a problem for some men. I'm glad this man is perfect.)
" sometimes I just need silence, and a sweet woman who knows how to be silent. So if your badass attitude and conversation cannot be quieted, you are probably not going to last with me past the party, sorry." (silence and sweetness are fine, but to put them as a prerequisite for a date? Seems weird. Seems like he might be just a touch controlling? I'm thinking perhaps he needs a kitten. They can be sweet, silent and even purr.)
I will check in soon; no interesting conversations to report today. So I will use my time wisely this evening and work on my above skills. Xo
"My free time is mostly spent playing pool. Most of my friends play pool. Most of my weekends, I can be found playing pool. Pool is fun." ( this is where I stopped reading… )
"Signs that we may not be a match – you hate your parents, you don't love your parents, you pop antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds like M&M's." ( I did love my mother very much, I don't have much of a relationship with my father and I don't feel that a man should judge what medication I may or may not take. Do I take meds? I'm afraid to say it in public because apparently, this is a problem for some men. I'm glad this man is perfect.)
" sometimes I just need silence, and a sweet woman who knows how to be silent. So if your badass attitude and conversation cannot be quieted, you are probably not going to last with me past the party, sorry." (silence and sweetness are fine, but to put them as a prerequisite for a date? Seems weird. Seems like he might be just a touch controlling? I'm thinking perhaps he needs a kitten. They can be sweet, silent and even purr.)
I will check in soon; no interesting conversations to report today. So I will use my time wisely this evening and work on my above skills. Xo
Monday, June 27, 2016
Hi to all of you wonderful women out there! I took some time off from blogging. First, life took precedence and being a single mother can keep a person pretty busy. I've had some personal things to take care of but everything is looking up. Second, I did date a wonderful man off and on for about six or seven months. He is still a wonderful man and we are still friends - and in fact we are having dinner next week. That said, he does not believe in monogamy in any real way, and I finally decided that I needed to be more true to myself. It's baffling to me how somebody can treat you like gold when with you; yet just look right at you and tell you that they are also treating two other women well, (maybe like silver and platinum, but still difficult to hear....) He was always honest and he is true and good but that is not my chemical make up. I have to be honest.
Ergo, I have gone back online and in all transparency? Well, there is a man that I like in the real world. And while we are friends, I'm not sure how much he can give to me right now and so I thought it would be healthier to go back on and see if I could preoccupy my brain with some dates. He is fully aware of this.
If I was really transparent on the website, I suppose I would explain that I am defensive dating. Defending my heart from becoming too attached to somebody that may not be ready for all of what comes with my heart. But is anybody fully transparent online? There are also a couple of my friends who are more than willing to be friends with benefits – I find even after 50 that is not hard to obtain? Is that the end-all answer? Let's find out. Ready to go?
Example of "What's out there" below:
"D Man is always on the move, so he cannot have company. Please have a nice chill house for him to come to after a hard day. I work hard and you can either trust where I have been all day or not. If not, you can find the door. Please have real food for me when I get there, no frozen pizza or Doritos or snickers. D man needs to be taken care of. "
I don't know about you ladies, but I am one smitten kitten.
Ergo, I have gone back online and in all transparency? Well, there is a man that I like in the real world. And while we are friends, I'm not sure how much he can give to me right now and so I thought it would be healthier to go back on and see if I could preoccupy my brain with some dates. He is fully aware of this.
If I was really transparent on the website, I suppose I would explain that I am defensive dating. Defending my heart from becoming too attached to somebody that may not be ready for all of what comes with my heart. But is anybody fully transparent online? There are also a couple of my friends who are more than willing to be friends with benefits – I find even after 50 that is not hard to obtain? Is that the end-all answer? Let's find out. Ready to go?
Example of "What's out there" below:
"D Man is always on the move, so he cannot have company. Please have a nice chill house for him to come to after a hard day. I work hard and you can either trust where I have been all day or not. If not, you can find the door. Please have real food for me when I get there, no frozen pizza or Doritos or snickers. D man needs to be taken care of. "
I don't know about you ladies, but I am one smitten kitten.
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